Magnificent Mess

  I posted this quote from Georgia O’Keeffe on my facebook page today, “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.” 
Yes, this is almost exactly like one of my most favored life mottoes, ” I am terrified all the time, but I just show up anyway.” Honestly, this is not much of an exaggeration. Some of you who know me might be surprised at this as I generally come across as confident, secure, poised. The truth is that I have been nervous and afraid for as long as I can remember. Anxiety of varying degrees has been a constant companion. The traumas of my life, and there have been many, have rocked my world and sometimes ravaged it, but I have always just kept showing up. I step into the fear and through it. I know that it is only in walking into that fear, though it makes my knees weak, my body tremble, my mind quake, that I will make friends with it, learn the lesson of it. I also have refused to let fear keep me from doing things I want to do. So here is a list of things that I do or have done that I would not have if I let fear get the best of me. 

teach yoga and yoga dance – I love to do this and it fills me up so much but I am almost always afraid up to the moment that class begins and sometimes all the way through class. Taps into my most major fear, fear of rejection. 

run marathons- Afraid to fail, afraid to be weak or in pain.

do triathlons – Cycling and swimming bring me right into my fear of death, so completing these has been a major breakthrough.

try art school – Serious fear, as in order to do photography I had to do classes in other media, a major learning experience for me even though I did not finish.

travel- I lived in Spain for a year, have gone to Costa Rica, go to Australia quite often and travel in the U.S. and I am afraid of flying

snorkel The Great Barrier Reef, zip line in Costa Rica, wall climbing, – All great life adventures I did in varying degrees of terror. 

write a blog- Major fear of rejection involved, not being good, being wrong, being judged. 

take on higher levels of training, assisting programs, doing workshops, leading yoga teacher training –
Saying yes even though I am so unsure, so very afraid.

Do my practice, meditate, pray – These activities are about deep inward looking and not just at the nice stuff but also the dark corners and the exiled and hidden parts, but this is the only way home.  

have a family -This one is huge and I was so completely terrified going into this grand adventure I could barely see straight. I was so afraid I would be horrible at it, so afraid that I would get it wrong and cause a helpless being great suffering and harm. Thank God I stepped through the fear! My family, my husband and kids are the light of my life, they fill my heart and lift my soul.

I could go on and on. My point is that if you are afraid join the club. Fear can only win if you are not willing to step into it. Be terrified, tell someone about it, and then just show up anyway. Take it from me your life will be so much richer if you do. 

   So much can be learned right in our own homes with our families. One thing I am learning about in my home, from great teachers, is diversity and tolerance, especially in the area of spirituality and religion. My husband Stephen and I began our relationship with not much consideration, really, about our spirituality or religion. We really didn’t pay much attention or give it a whole lot of thought. We were young, starting careers and having fun with friends. Sunday mornings were about sleeping in, lazy lounging, cups of coffee and being carefree. The closest we got to church was a momentary pause flicking through channels past various preachers, or church bells ringing off in the distance.

 Today we are in our forties, have three kids at home, our world has changed dramatically. We still don’t go to church. This fact has caused me some internal turmoil. As I listen to other moms talk about Sunday school, first communion and other facets of their communities of faith and the instilling of religious values in their children, I have wondered if I am cheating my children. I have wondered if I am doing them wrong. In reality I know I am not doing any harm, I am being true to myself and that is a vital quality for my children to know and experience. I know that our approach has also opened the door for them to have a self discovery of faith (or not).

 As it goes, along the way I found yoga and it has become my life path, my spiritual path, my holy ground. Stephen has discovered Buddhism and its non theistic spiritual discipline.  We each found our practices when it was right and when we were ready. Our kids see us doing our practices and we talk to them about what we have chosen. They see my altar everyday, as well as meditation cushions, Buddha and Ganesha statues aplenty. Our bookshelves are full of diverse titles on yoga, spirituality and philosophy. We have created an environment that encourages awareness and inquiry. I do yoga sometimes with our daughters and our son is occasionally persuaded to meditate.

  This environment has created interesting results. Mason, our 13 year old son, is a self proclaimed “atheist who believes in the scientific method”. He announced this to the family at dinner one night with real conviction and empowerment. Part of me felt a strong resistance coming up and a desire to react and argue, but instead I found myself smiling and saying how interesting that is. Avery, our 10 year old daughter asks me questions about god and life and we have discussions and sharings. I have told her that if she wants to go to church or explore anything in particular that I will be more than happy to take her. Her response is “No, I believe in god. I’m good.” Harper, our six year old daughter, just before Christmas this year told me, ” I think I want to be part Jewish and part Christmas.” When I asked her if this decision was based on increased presents, she smirked and giggled.

 This shows me that at their different ages they have developing interest and organic understanding of where they stand and how they feel. It is so amazing and cool to behold their individuality and to see them each unfolding and blossoming so beautifully and perfectly. I am so interested in where each of their journeys of inquiry and experience will take them. When I was thirteen, I never would have,even in my wildest dreams, guessed that at forty I would be a mother, a dancer, a teacher, and surely not someone devoted to a spiritual life and path. And yet, here I am. Knowing that I evolved, expanded, and arrived at my true place gives me the courage to let them do the same. All the while I will be here to support them and love them through all the good and bad, the pleasant and unpleasant that that journey might bring.

  Even if you don’t have kids there is a lesson here. Trust that everyone is here exploring and evolving in life. There are as many ways to do that as there are stars in the heavens each shining and brilliant in their own way. The Dalai Lama says, ” People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.”    How true this is and what a better world if we all had a basic respect for each other even when we feel different or don’t agree. We all deserve respect and compassion.        

   Out on my eight mile, clear my head and body run, I found myself contemplating my relationship to my body and how society tends to teach people to treat and relate to their bodies. My body, like most, does not come close to fitting into the very teeny tiny (but tall) box of the media driven concept of beauty, even though my body is fit and relatively lean. I considered this, and then my attention was drawn to my movement and breath. This incredible symphony of sensation and energy, a dance of body and mind so amazing and miraculous, so full of wisdom and intelligence.

 The title of my blog is The Magnificent Mess, and so much of what we experience and encounter in this world is just that, but the body really is only magnificent. If we perceive anything in this body as messy it can only be because of our lack of understanding, our own misjudgment and ignorance. The way we treat and relate to our body might be messy but the body does not own any of that. The body operates with its own intelligence, following the pulse and dance of all creation, and each body is unfolding perfectly in each moment. The body is constantly shifting and changing, adapting and responding. Life and death a constant going on, things coming and going, emerging and then receding, a universe within so complex it is truly awe inspiring. The body communicates internally in a language of its own, beyond our ability to comprehend, and science is proving that the intelligent body does understand our minds language and responds to positive messages with healing and harmonizing energy, and to negative language with disease.

  When the body is sick or injured it knows so much more than the story or perception of the mind and moves to heal. We do have a choice in the way we talk to our bodies to help create healing or hinder healing. When the body is in pain or ill what if instead of judgement and internal impatience and negativity we treated the body like our own child that has fallen or is sick? We take the child in our arms and give her comfort, care and tenderness. The body will always seek harmony and balance and it will arrive there more easily when we attend to it in a nurturing and loving way.

 For the rest of that run I focused on giving attention to every part of my body and acknowledging with deep gratitude all that each part does. A million thank yous are owed to these feet for journeying and dancing, running, and keeping me connected to earth. These legs that hold warriors and down dogs, strong and sturdy, beautiful. These hips that swing and sway, that have held the miracle of my children, birth and creation, sensuous and powerful.  My spine, that from root to crown is a sacred river of energy and consciousness, that lets me rise up from the earth and connect to the heavens. Shoulders and arms that reach out from the jewel of the heart, to hold and hug, expressions of grace, wide and open to the world. My head that lets me see and hear, sense and feel, observe and respond. Heart and breath the keepers of the rhythm of life. Every cell a celestial body. Every part such a wonder to behold!

Take some time to bless your body and your body in turn will be the biggest blessing to you. No matter its shape or size, whether it is young or old, whether it is strong and healthy or on the brink of death, the body is a gift and a wise teacher, a temple of the divine.        

 I have many roles in my day to day life but none is more important than my role as mother. Parenting is bliss and parenting is agony. Being a mother or father is so terrifying and terrific, like riding the most insane roller coaster in the world or white water rafting over a waterfall to plummet to who knows where. I posted yesterday on Facebook that parenting is the deepest most powerful yoga of all. I know that to be true to the very core of my being.

  I have recently had events with my children which have called me into conflict. I have had to step forward into battle even though it made my stomach churn and my knees shake. This is the heart of it though. In the opening of the Bhagavad Gita, a revered text by many, and yogis in particular, Arjuna is resisting and fearful of the battle he is about to enter. He does not want to harm anyone and is embroiled in internal conflict. Krishna advises him he must go to the battle. He says, “Know what your duty is and do it without hesitation. Blessed are warriors who are given the chance of a battle like this, which calls them to do what is right…”

 Then comes the crucial point and one which I think is the struggle of life and in no case more than in the yoga of parenting. Krishna says, “The wise man lets go of all results, whether good or bad,and is focused on the action alone. Yoga is skill in actions.”  This is so hard, beyond difficult. I love my kids with a depth and intensity that is amazing, and also one which leaves me open to intense pain. This is because I want it to be good for them, no, better than good , the best! I would jump in front of a train for them, walk on fire, anything at all. Like Arjuna, despite my doubt and fear, I was called to and entered the battle and have tried to do it skillfully, but I want it to turn out for the good. I am attached to an outcome, a favorable result.

 That attachment permeates my parenting. Here is where parenting can be the deepest most powerful yoga. How might I face the challenge of mothering everyday, do my best, be as skillful as I know how and then let go of the result?  Could I surrender a bit, and acknowledge that they have their own perfectly constructed dharmas (life paths) waiting for them, and that to a certain extent I would best serve them to get out of the way?  I think the yoga is to seek a middle road, one where I know that they are their own people. To find a parenting path that honors that it is not skillful to control them or define myself through them, but to hold space for them in their journey and support them with fierce compassion.

 I am thinking out loud here, and now will leave space to ponder. I shall certainly come back to this topic soon. What do you think?  Namaste everyone! 

“Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I saw the first quote above on a friend’s Facebook page yesterday and thought, “No shit! Time to take stock of what I want and where I am headed, make adjustments and Go For It!” The second quote is one I think of often. I think of it when I get scared, which is almost everyday. Deep inside, I know that what I am doing right now in my life is my dharma, it has my name on it. I have always had a yearning to create and perform. My soul nature is to move and dance, to sing and express and yet somewhere on the journey from childhood to adulthood I disconnected from that and ended up working in the business sector. I also got disconnected from my passion, my source of joy.

Then I found Kripalu Yoga, I found Let Your Yoga Dance, I found a community of support and like minds, I found me. I have spent the last decade studying, practicing, training, teaching and growing. I have achieved so much, and now, as this New Year arrives, the question that comes to me is “So, now what?”

 I have recently had various people, teachers, students, friends making offers and suggestions of things I could do, challenging me to consider expanding my vision and getting even bigger. I have found myself asking these people and myself, “Really? Could I do that?”  Here is where I come up against fear and resistance. I find that others often have more confidence in me than I do, and see me differently than I do. I am afraid to get bigger, I am afraid to fail. However, even greater than the fear is the yearning to explore, to grasp opportunity and step forward. My commitment in this New Year is to follow the path that is opening in front me and to say “Yes!”. I will trust that what others see in me is not only possible it is the universe pointing the way.

I also know that even if I fail, if I fall, I will grow. I say it in my yoga classes all the time, if we are not willing to fall, we cannot grow. In fact, we have no business staying small, staying safe. If we let fear win we rob ourselves and the world of receiving our gifts.

What yearning has your name on it? Go for it and grow!              

    As the holiday season arrives I have been thinking a lot about the meaning of this time of year and how imperative it is to pause even amidst the shopping, cooking, decorating, to take time away from “to dos” and reflect on the “for whats”.  This is a time that calls us to see the connectivity and congruency of human experience through time and across cultures. In fact going back to ancient cultures this has been a time of deep reflection and celebration. This is the time when the chill and the dark call us to gather and be warm in each other’s company, to slow down and connect, tell stories of the year, to laugh and cry together. It is the time, also, to celebrate the coming of the light, the cycles of life, and beauty of the seasons, a time to let go of what this last year brought and to look into the bright future and world of possibility that lies ahead. This is a time to forgive and let go, to mend and make new, to open our hearts to family, community, and the world in the spirit of love and kindness.

  Whether this season has religious significance to us or not there is a resonance that goes beyond specific traditions or dogma. Whoever we are or what we believe, this is a time of magic and miracles. There is a sense that peace and harmony are possible and that the light of goodness is bright in this world. Celebrate, smile, light a candle, sing a song, pray in your own perfect way, dance, hug everyone, especially the children, practice random acts of kindness and open your heart to light and love.

Peace and Joy.      

 We live in a magical universe of intricate patterns and rhythms, of ancient dances of primal energy and infinite connectivity. This is something we have largely disconnected from as we have moved away from our relationship to the earth and the heavens. The cosmic dance is hard to notice as we busily build careers, raise children, update our statuses, respond to emails, and monitor endless to do lists. The price we pay is that we also have disconnected from intuition and soul connection, our sense of self that is rooted in spirit and love.

A way to get back to that deeper nature of ourselves, and regain a sense of being in the flow, the dance, is the exploration and inquiry of yoga. Many yoga asana, in name and energy, encourage this conscious remembrance of earth, heaven and the infinite universe. We have the classic Surya Namaskara, or sun salutation which is masculine in nature and, for a long time, that was it. After all, yoga asana, and yoga in general, has been largely a male generated art and science. But, some wise yoginis noticed the lack of a salutation to the moon, the feminine aspect and equal partner in the dance, and they created the moon salutation (Chandra Namaskara).

When you think about it we are very much tied to, and influenced by moon energy. The moon controls the cycles of the waters and it’s tides. We are mostly water. The cycle of the moon is 28 days and so is the cycle of women. The new moon calls to releasing old patterns and hails new beginnings, the full moon is full of the energies of fruition, abundance, birthing and manifestation.

My yoga class this past Saturday happened to land on the last full moon of the year. I brought lunar exploration to the class. We wrote intentions on pieces of paper at the beginning of class to be charged with full moon energy and the prana of our yoga community. We formed our mats into a full moon circle and explored watery movements and hip opening. The hips are the region of the chakra, or energy center, associated with water, the divine feminine, creativity and manifestation. We did a magical, moving, dance prayer variation of Chandra Namaskara. I asked the students to send the energy of their practice to their intentions with a child consciousness, that place that believes in magic and miracles, that place of pure simple faith. When we set an intention from the fullness of our hearts and spirits, and have faith, the whole universe conspires to bring it to fruition.

The next time you are feeling lost or alone look to the sun, moon, oceans and earth. Follow the patterns of the moon and the sun, the cycles of nature, and dance, go to your mat, gather in circles of intention and prayer. Reconnect. Magic and miracles do happen, wait and see.  

I finished the class with this poem by Hafiz:

With That Moon Language
Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, “Love me.”

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, What every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

-Hafiz

  I have not posted in ages it seems. I have been on the road for the last three weeks having a yoga teacher training at Kripalu, a trip to Milwaukee for family Thanksgiving and then back to Kripalu to assist Let Your Yoga Dance teacher training. All of it full of happiness, joy and growth.

The first leg of the journey was part two of a yearlong training I am in called the Acharya Intensive. In this intensive I, along with eleven other beautiful soul teachers, are receiving training in the teachings of Swami Kripalu from two of his direct students and senior Kripalu faculty. It is an honor and great privilege to have been selected and take part in this journey of transformation.

Swami Kripalu said the first yoga practice is love and the highest spiritual practice is self observation without judgment. During this year of study we are diving into these practices. Using our community of support, sacred space, and the fundamental practices of pranayama, asana, meditation, prayer and puja we have joined to courageously participate in a practice of self discovery.

The real intention and purpose of yoga is to reclaim our true selves and find liberation. Part of this process requires us to dig into, to excavate, our wounded places and the parts we have resisted. These places (negative samskaras), have intense energy waiting to be unblocked and transformed. Everything in us, both the darkness and the light is part of this truth, that we are beings of love. Even hate, jealously, malice, shame, the shadow realms, are part of that truth. We are who we are, but illusion and ignorance block our vision. We are buried treasures just waiting to be uncovered. That is the purpose of yoga, to remember who we are.

Read this prayer that Swami Kripalu delivered to my teacher Vidya in her moment of need and know that it is a prayer for us all.

“My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.

Each time you judge yourself,
  you break your own heart.

You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring
  of your vitality.

The time has come, your time,
  to live, to celebrate, to see the goodness that you are.

“Evil” is the word “live” turned inside out.
  There is no evil, no wrong,
in you or any other.
There is only the thought of it and the thought
  has no substance.

What is so—–is that you are—–So DEAR
                                                     So DIVINE
                                                     So VERY VERY PURE

Let no one, no thing, no idea or ideal obstruct you.
If one comes, even in the name of truth, forgive it
for it’s unknowing.

Do not fight the dark.

Let go, aware of the light,

And breathe, into the goodness that you are.”

More to come on this journey in upcoming posts, until then Jai Bhagwan and Hakuna Matata.    
             

   It seems that mother nature is trying to tell us something here in Connecticut. At the end of August we had Hurricane Irene come in and rock our boats, leave behind damage, and for many, including my family, days without power. Irene was said to be unprecedented in the usually undramatic weather world of this region, so once power was restored and clean up began, we all said how glad we were to have that all behind us. Then two weeks ago the weatherman started talking about a nor’easter making it’s way with it’s sights set on us. There were warnings that it could wallop us with 6-12 inches of snow and take out power lines. When all was said and done, for the interior portions of Connecticut, Albert showed us that we had not seen anything yet.

We lost power in our house for nearly seven days, and right now there are still people with no power.This storm took trees down in every yard and street, tangles of power and cable lines hung down lifeless. In my town this scene made Irene seem small and insignificant, and yet again, miraculously most homes managed to dodge the barrage of limbs and trees. It could have been so much worse. The ensuing days of kids home from school, with a symphony of generators as a soundtrack, was tiring and stress levels rose each day. Even now people are angry about how long they had to go without power. Investigations have been launched and fingers are being pointed furiously. And yes, I think it could have been done better, and adjustments need to be made. I admit I felt whiny, irritated, and impatient.

Since the event, I have been thinking about what the lesson is here for me in particular. What has come up for me is a realization that I have entitlement issues. This is somewhat amusing, as I am one who has talked to other parents about the problem of entitlement that I see amongst the kids in this community and what I do to parent around this. As dramatic as the loss of power, phone etc. seemed at the time, I have to admit it was really no big deal at all for me. I did not suffer any real hardship, none at all. We have a generator so we did not lose food, we had heat and hot water and even a television. I know these were the conditions for a lot of families, and those who did not have generators had an easily accessible shelter or went to hotels or to stay with relatives. And yet, the complaining and woe is us attitude has been pervasive, and yes, I am pointing this finger squarely in my own direction.

What is the problem here? The problem is that I take too many things for granted and have a very limited view of the world and life from where I am. Sure, I read or watch the news and know that in other places, other towns, states, countries there is poverty, famine, and real disasters where people die and lose everything they have. There are places where most of the people have never had all of these things that I assume should be there for me, food, water, electricity, schools. If these people heard my complaining over this non event I think they would probably want to laugh in my face or more likely punch me in it, and I would not blame them.

What Albert came to remind me is that things can happen and everything I take for granted could as easily be taken from me. What can’t be taken from me though, is my ability to grow and expand, my compassion and my gratitude, the capacity to love. These are infinite sources of power no matter what circumstances might come. Thanks Irene and Albert, I won’t miss you but I appreciate what you taught me.