I am not used to the cold anymore. I never have been a cold weather person. The sting of it on my hands this morning made me ache inside for the island I lived on a year ago. Grief shows up in moments unexpectedly. The cold and the grief, an ache and a sting. These things live in the body.
I try to escape feeling. This is one of my things. I am an addict. I find many ways to numb out. I fool myself into thinking I am not an addict. I can’t escape myself though.
Being an addict is not the worst thing to be.
I have been taking pictures out in the woods of things that reflect my grief and loneliness back to me. Autumn gets me and where I am right now. Layers of fallen leaves in water, a dried husk of a blossom, mossy decay on a fallen tree.
I think about death a lot, many times during a day. I wonder if this is a rarity, or if we just don’t share this, because it is taboo, scary, uncomfortable, forbidden ground. I am ok either way.
Sometimes I wish I was dead, but I love my family so much. They save my life.
I remember being a little girl sent out to play in the snow. I mostly just stood there and told myself, “You will get to go back inside soon.” Waiting for the end, relishing the relief from the harsh cold.
When I was a little girl, about 5 years old, I was at my friend’s house, her mom was my babysitter. She had a black lab puppy. We went to take it outside and it got away from us. It ran into the street and was hit by a truck. It was completely disemboweled. I remember its body in a snowbank, the blood leeching out turning the snow pink then red, the guts spilled outside its body, its tongue hanging from its mouth. Her father stood over the puppy with a stick, shaking it, and yelling “What did you do?”. I remember the images, the words, but I don’t remember what I felt, except that it was so cold standing there. I don’t remember crying, though I must have. Death put its hand on me that day, out in bright sun shining on a bloody snowbank.
I need to go running, it is vital, a medicine…but I know it is still cold out there, so I am stalling. Avoiding. I will go though, as easy as it would be not to. I do possess strong will, and an undeniable perseverance to take care of myself so I can go on with this messy and magnificent life.
The things we do to keep going. The ways we survive. That is some awe inspiring shit.
I need to backtrack to something I said yesterday. I said I leave people. That is mostly bullshit. I have not left anyone in recent history, quite a few have left me. I hold boundaries, yes, but I am loyal to a fault and forgiving as hell. I don’t leave people unless they have shoved me out the door and slammed it in my face.
I do have a tendency to make myself wrong even when that is not accurate. I put myself down, I take the blame. I often do not deserve it. Just setting myself and the record straight, because it matters.
I read this tonight before I go to sleep. Are you in my head? I am an addict, I love to numb out, but I am strong and push ahead anyways.
Yep. We are sisters.
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Em muitos casos, existe a possibilidade de isso ser causado pela disfunção erétil.
Follow all directions on your prescription label and read all medication guides or instruction sheets.
Las lesiones en el pene, en la columna vertebral, en la próstata, en la vejiga o en la pelvis también pueden provocar disfunción eréctil.
Take 1 tablet of Propecia each day.
Sendo assim, para as causas emocionais, existem tratamentos como a psicoterapia, e para as causas ligadas ao organismo, existem tratamentos como a injeção direta no pênis antes da relação sexual, géis e cremes de tratamento e enrijecimento, reposição hormonal e a famosa prótese peniana.
que se comercializa como Cialis.
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