“When I rise up let me rise up joyful like a bird,
       When I fall let me fall without regret like a leaf.” Wendell Berry

     The words falling and fear seem to be inextricably tied to each other. Maybe it is because we also associate the experience of falling with another alliteration, failure. I have experienced debilitating, paralyzing fear in my life over failure. I have sunk into deep murky pools of self doubt and depression, waters that echoed with falling, fear, failure. There have been many moments where the struggle became so tiring I wanted to give up, give in, in every cell of my being wanting to sink down to the bottom and surrender to the dark. What I did not know then is that the pain I was experiencing had as much to do, or even more so, with my perceptions and judgmental notions as the facts of my situation. I had bought into the story that I was essentially, irrevocably flawed, that I did not have much to offer and felt the world at large was not on my side. I found it excruciatingly difficult to step into new situations, to move beyond old habits and behaviors or to accept that my successes in life were more than transient flukes. I was quite blind to my own goodness and potential, my gifts, and my fear of failure, of falling, kept me from growing or evolving. I was stifled and often depressed.

 On the other hand I have always had a warrior nature as well. Often in these situations of complete terror my warrior archetype has led me to say yes to things even when my insides were trying to run in the other direction. These situations of ominous opportunity have had various outcomes, some highly successful and some not so successful, but upon reflection every experience, even the ones which by some standards would be called failure or falling down, brought growth, insight, and informed my evolution. In fact I have realized that making friends with falling opens the door to amazing freedom and exponentially accelerated growth. The ability to take a step into fear and the unknown in order to explore the possibilities of life, and grow into our gifts is what we are called to in this life. In this one life to live (or this time around) we have a choice to risk and play, to experiment, expand, to fall and fly or to stay small and caged when the vast sky awaits.

  In my yoga classes I often do an inquiry which I call intentional falling. What we can befriend on a yoga mat we might just carry more and more into life. I begin this exploration by talking about falling. The fact of the matter is that we would have never learned to walk, to ride a bike, to climb or dance without the willingness and ability to fall. Next, we enter a balancing pose such as tree or uptavishta konasana (a seated balance where you hold your big toes and lift the legs up at a wide angle), hold for a breath or two and then playfully allow ourselves to fall, with a smile and a “weeee” or a “wooop”. This falling becomes its own new form of warrior two or spinal rocking. This illustrates how when we allow, and flow with the course of life and energy, what might at first seem undesirable, a falling, a “failure”, can surprise us and be a gateway to something beautiful, something brilliant.

Our power lies not in our holding on, but our letting go. Fall into freedom and learn how to fly.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”   Howard Thurman

 Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”  Rumi

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
George Elliot

  It was forty years in the making, but no less a spectacular rush, my first time dancing on stage. No it was not Broadway by any stretch of the imagination, but in a way it was even better. This was a family affair, my two daughters and I sharing in this performance experience, bonding in the dance. To finally take a place on stage, with lights, an audience and my girls right there with me was the sweetest validation and a stepping into my becoming what I might have been, a performing artist of dance.

  I have always been a dancer, I have always danced just as I breathe and eat, but it never occurred to me in my youth that dance could be a vocation, a life pursuit. Like many young adults I stumbled around looking for my life purpose, a major in college which would then get me what everyone is “supposed” to get, a job, a career, a livelihood. All of those endeavors were really great and I traveled, explored, experienced and did some valuable growing (some of it quite painful, all of it rich). I graduated and got a job. Yet my career path, as successful as it was becoming, did not fill me up at that soul level. I did not have passion or fire as a business manager. I felt stunted and stressed, suffocated, my spirit was crying for change.

  I became a mother and left my job to enter the vocation of caring for and nurturing my family. In that role I found myself. I found myself stronger and more loving than I thought I could possibly be. I discovered a wellspring of courage and vitality, and in mothering I found the need to express, the need for channels of self discovery. I felt deeply that to be the best mother I could be I had to dig into my own growth and creative potential. I went to art school for photography, I did not finish but became skilled enough to feel I had vision and artistry. I found yoga, a true love, a calling, finally a soul aligned path, because like dance, yoga is a body and breath centered creative form rooted in spirit. I became a yoga teacher, and through that encountered yoga dance, and another gateway opened to becoming more myself , coming home and feeling complete. I became a certified Let Your Yoga Dance teacher four years ago and now assist the teacher trainings.

  So this year I turned forty and decided to take my very first formal dance class at the dance school my daughters attend. Adult Hip Hop with Ms. Bambi, known for her effective and disciplined instruction and not one to fill you up with empty compliments. I went to my first class a tangle of terror, afraid that I would find out, after all this journeying, that I did not “have it” or it would be too challenging. After a couple classes Ms. Bambi came up to me and said, “Wow, you are really good. Do your girls know how you can move?”  Another affirmation of my inner knowing and the total blissful gift of following that inner voice.  And then came the show, being on that stage was  like a rite of passage sealed with lights, glitter and applause. I follow my mantra, “Dance On!”, and so it is.

I feel so very blessed to be on this path of awakening and self discovery. I am excited to see what evolves, what journey or exciting twist of fate will show up next. Everything and anything becomes possible if you just believe, “It is never to late to become what you might have been.”

What is your dream, your might have been, waiting to be dusted off and breathed back to life?
What are you waiting for?          

  I recently graduated from a year long yoga training called The Acharya Intensive. This program brought me into a year of study, relationship and deep growth with eleven other seekers on the path, two brilliant and wise teachers, and support staff. During this year we committed to various studies and practices, we dedicated ourselves to going deep and doing it in the safe arms of our community. We shared and opened up our very souls to each other, we laughed and cried. We bore witness to each others pain and struggles as well as our brilliance and joy.

  One of the experiences we explored last week was a guided meditation and channeling. We were partnered up and took turns, one being the partner diving in, and the other holding space and being a guiding angel. We were expertly led to first feel what was behind us, all the people events and experiences that had brought us to this point in our lives. We then attuned to the present and all that currently exists in our lives. Our partner grounded us and guided us to sit, at which time we were called to feel inside and speak, with the angel partner serving as witness and scribe. This speaking was to just come, with no worry or consideration of what to say. This speaking was to come through source or spirit, what can be called channeling.

   You might think that this is total bologna or totally crazy, new age hocus pocus. Whatever, doesn’t matter. What I know is that, call it what you will, there is a deeper intelligence that lives in all of us. We experience it as intuition, calling, drive, natural talent, luck, wisdom. We might be stuck in our monkey mind most of the time but that deeper space of source and connectivity does exist, and we definitely tapped into that in this experience.

 Here is what I spoke as I channeled from source.  A message for me that might just speak to you.

    ” It’s ok to let go. See everything that you have been through, that you have done, and see clearly that you have always been guided and supported. It is time to surrender, to receive all of who you are, and to know that even the things that seem like a burden are gifts. To trust that the places of challenge and pain and worry are showing up with great wisdom. Know that you will be alright. You have always been supported and you always will be.

   Remember who you are, and just be that, just be that. All is unfolding perfectly.

   Feel your feet on the ground and the sun on your face. Follow the song and dance in your heart.

   You don’t have to be good, you just have to be who you are.

    My dearest Jyotika you are surrounded by light and love and you are light and love.”

When all was done, and I read these words, I was deeply touched. All of it rang so true, so right.  This was wise advice from the deep space of soul wisdom.

From this guidance of inner voice we each created a core identification, like a personal mission statement. We also received sanskrit names as is the practice in some yoga traditions. My name is Jyotika which means light. We made pronouncements of these statements at graduation.  

“I Jyotika am here to reclaim myself, my truth. I am a soul dancer of freedom, love, and light. May it be my prayer, my offering, and a force of healing.”

Jai Bhagwan    

      So the question at hand again is, “What is bliss?” and “How do I get there?” Just like anything in life we will only ever experience bliss in the moment, in the now. I also believe that real and lasting happiness comes from within and not from possessions or achievements in and of themselves. The fact is that all this reaching, grasping and getting to somewhere or something, makes life more and more complicated and hard to handle. Noticing all the things we take on out of never ending expectation and strict mindedness, because of feelings of emptiness or to prove our worth, we might discover a very heavy load we haul. We might realize we are chained to a heavy load of material possessions, activities, to do lists, a heavy load of “shoulds” and “musts” spring loaded with guilt and shame. That is not bliss.

    I think it is imperative that we lighten our loads, simplify our lives on many levels to make more room for the things that genuinely fill us up. This has serpent medicine in it, like a serpent we should take time every so often, maybe once a season, to see what needs to be shed away as we move forward. What was needed in life last season may have served its purpose and needs to be relinquished. This shedding might take the form of decluttering a space and giving away the things we don’t need to make room for the new, or it might mean breaking a habit, or surrendering something in our emotional life or in relationships. Simplify for serenity.

  Simplify all the way down to breath itself. I say it so often, but it always bears repeating. Bliss is in the breath. When we fully attune to breath and let everything else go, even for just one cycle, it is like pushing a reset button. The breath is a luminous thread that when taken in with intention will always point us home, to the peace and light within, to our heart and spirit spaces. The more this is made a practice the more clear it becomes. Even better, get a yoga and meditation practice, but keep it simple too, or it can become just another place for criticism and stress.

The mess of life is what it is, it comes and it goes, it shifts beneath our feet, but when we are light on our feet and steady in our breath, we can more easily smile and breathe through it all. Life, messy as it may be, becomes more and more magnificent.           

  I recently co-led a workshop for women called “Live Your Bliss”.  As I worked on my plans for this day of inquiry a question presented itself, a very important question. What is bliss? I started my quest to explore this question by first looking up the word in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines bliss: 1. complete happiness  2. paradise, heaven. Wow, that is a tall order it would seem, for even five minutes and now looking to live it! What is the path that leads to bliss?  Is it possible?

 I think the first step is to examine how we define happiness and where we look for it. We live in a culture that has conditioned us to look for happiness outside ourselves. If you have this career, that house, the right car, designer clothes, the right look, and so on, you will be happy. In fact, these things do bring a kind of happiness and pleasure, but it is fleeting, it wears off and then we need more. This creates a never ending cycle of trying harder, doing more, grasping and clinging and always looking to the next thing we think will bring us that bliss.

 The result is that we end up living a life of chasing down happiness and lose our connection to the abundance of now. We get lost in a stream of  “when this or that happens, when I achieve or have……..then I will be happy.” Then when we get or achieve that very thing the happiness comes and we feel satisfied, but the feeling slips away and we set our sights on another future conquest of joy. I know all about this pattern of behavior I have lived it and continue to feel its pull, find myself in its grip.

  I have also had the great fortune of getting on the path of yoga. I have been blessed with wise teachers and opportunities for deep exploration and learning. On this path I have learned about a different way to be, and as I practice I continue to learn how to recognize and respond to this tendency to grasp, cling, and desire that one next thing, chasing the fix of temporary bliss.

 I have learned that real bliss is found by looking inward, living in the present moment, allowing for all experience and feeling , to be rooted in the body and the breath. When discontentment and feelings of emptiness arise or when we are driven by the illusion of attainment bringing fulfillment, it is useful to pause, take deep breaths, land in the body, and experience what is true and real right now. Usually in the moment, looking inward, all is well. To sense and feel the simple abundance of breath, heart, body and spirit is true contentment, the gateway to bliss.

When we learn to live in the foundation of presence and breath, and invest in our inner work, then we can even more fully enjoy the moments of achievement and the richness in our lives but not rely upon outer trappings to sustain a sense of fulfilled self.                

  Yesterday was the first day of spring or the spring equinox. Looking around, the beauty of this season of renewal and expansion is beginning to blossom, literally. Spring is full of potential and awakening, it is a harbinger of birth and transformation. This first day of spring however, is rooted in the energies of balance, a special day in which day and night are equal. It is a reminder that even as we make plans and prepare to burst forth that it is wise to pause, find some solid ground, check in with our energy levels, do some self care. A reminder that giant leaps forward need to be accompanied by generous rest and nourishment.

Spring is a great time to dream big, make plans, embrace changes that spur our growth and evolution. It is a season ripe for transformation calling us to blossom into the fullness of life.

Dance under the sun and stars. Listen to, see, smell, touch and taste the magic of natures graceful awakening. Align with your own deep calling and open to the universe of potential, the seed of possibility ready to burst forth and bring dreams into manifestation. Spring it on and also care for it, care for you, with tenderness and love.           

  This past weekend I went to New York City with a dear dancing friend of mine. We were kid and fancy free. We wandered our way around with plans to take in a couple shows. We went to a matinee of Mama Mia which was alright but seemed a bit flat, off day for the cast I guess. Wicked was next on our most wanted to see list but the only tickets available were 300 dollars or more. So we decided that Priscilla Queen of the Desert might be interesting and a few random friends (read strangers we spontaneously engaged in conversation) said it was a riot.

  Well a riot it was indeed! The song and dance filled story of three drag queens traveling through Australia so that one of them can finally meet his son was wild and playful, visually stunning with 600 costume changes that were each more dazzling and outrageous than the last. I smiled and laughed, and sat awestruck with delicious joy for all but the few scenes that reminded the audience of the reality of intolerance and hate that many people in this world would have experienced in place of the sheer unadulterated blast of happiness that we in that theatre shared.

  The show reminded me of the year I spent studying in Spain during college. I lived with a French guy named Gilles who was very openly gay. We had so much fun that year and one of our favorite things to do on the weekend was to go to the drag shows. I was nervous the first time we went that I would be the one to experience exclusion, staring eyes telling me that I had no business being there, but when we walked in not a single eyelash was batted, I was just another party goer. As we watched the show I remember having that same feeling of exhilaration, adoration and delight.  Eventually we got to know some of the performers and I loved talking and laughing with them.  I was young and insecure and they would always talk about going for it in life, being who you are and making no apologies for that. These were some of the wisest women I have encountered and anatomy had nothing to do with it.

These past few days I have found myself thinking about what I felt while watching Priscilla Queen of the Desert and what I have learned from drag queens. Here is what came to me.

~ song and dance are powerful forces that bring people together
~ everyone could use more sparkle in their life
~ who you are on the inside always trumps what you look like on the outside
~ life is best experienced with a slathering of laughter and a dollop of irreverence
~ when confronted by fear or dark forces diva walk right through them
 ~ it is also OK to be afraid, to be vulnerable, to cry
~ know who your true and loyal friends are and love them big time
~ sensuality and sexuality are part of this human experience and should carry no shame, guilt, or judgment for anyone, gay, straight, bisexual or transgender
~ don’t give in to hate and don’t let other people’s hate infect you (don’t hate the haters)
~ be who you are and make no apologies

and last but most important:

WE ARE FAMILY!!

      My life is a bit like a juggling act. I have many roles and responsibilities on my plate and no real structure to hold it together. So actually it is like a juggling act performed on a high wire. There are times when I have just a few balls in the air and it flows with ease, but then there are times when I have innumerable balls to handle and it feels like either they will fall and shatter on the ground, or I will, or both. Reality check, this is a story, an imagining, a construct of my mind. The to do list has a basis in the reality of my life but my reaction to it is of my own creation. So it is in life, there is reality and then there is the story we create about it. This is my story.

 Yesterday morning I got up, tired and cranky, primed for drama. I went to look at my calendar and what I saw was overwhelming, the month is just starting and the page already looked mangled and defaced with my various scribbles of appointments, classes to teach, activities for the kids and so on. The mere sight of it made me begin to waiver. I felt suffocated and unsteady. I began to panic about all the balls I could drop and how I might fall. If I should fall there would be no net, in fact what would be waiting for me is the razor sharp jaws of failure, hungry and eager to crush me. My fear erupted and my husband was in its path. I proceeded to share this story with him, and not in a kind way. I whined and wailed about the crushing pressure, the lack of support from him or anyone, my certain failure coming, just a matter of time. Drama, drama, drama. 

 Don’t get me wrong, I do have a lot to deal with and so does the rest of the world. It does get crazy and chaotic, a circus if you will. The kind of circus it becomes though is entirely up to me. In my mind I can create a story of wonder and adventure where I am strong and fearless ready to walk that tightrope or fly on the trapeze, or I can cast myself in a nightmare circus of the Stephen King variety where I am the helpless victim of a dark evil force, those hungry jaws of failure.

   The question then is how to shift gears, how to change the story? The hardest part is to wake up. Waking up requires a pause and once I am on the tightrope of terror gripping and gasping for air it is hard to pull back. I am gasping and struggling for breath. Aha! Breath! My very wise teacher Megha always says that fear and breath can not exist in the same space. Breath reminds me that all of this really is just a story because it is not an experience of the present moment. It is a projection into an unknown future, it is a dream, an illusion that I have conjured. Breath brings me back to the now, to my body where there is no story beside the state of being in that moment. I can feel my feet on the earth, sink into that support, the illusion drops away and I am safe.  

  We can not exit our stories completely as long as we live in the world, which is full of stimuli, activity, perception and judgment. We can however, learn to have better control over our thoughts and to be vigilant over the reality we create for ourselves. We shape our world and our destiny in our intentions, our perceptions and thoughts, but we can always come home to the simple abundance of the breath and the present moment. The present moment reminds us that we need do nothing because we are always perfectly held and safe. That is my story.     
        

   A couple weeks back my theme in my yoga classes was around the yogic principle that comes from the first limb of yoga, the yamas, satya, or truth. This principle has many layers and subtle nuances but most importantly, as a yoga practitioner, it is what yoga is really all about. All yoga should have as its ultimate goal the awakening of and connection to the true self. The process of doing that can have many expressions and techniques, variety is necessary because every individual has a unique body, a unique set of life experiences, and different blockages and obstacles to confront on this journey of self awakening.

   When I get on my yoga mat or my meditation cushion I enter a space of investigation and curiosity. Every moment of practice is an opportunity to dig into the what is of that moment of experience and breath. The underlying question in this inquiry is , Who am I? Who am I really? In the depths of my inner looking what truth is revealed? It is a grand excavation of an amazing internal landscape.

   Thinking of this process as digging and searching, looking for truth, brought to mind being a kid and playing in my sandbox, imagining I was on a grand adventure in search of buried treasure. It struck me that yoga is or should be just like that! So that week I offered this image to my classes, as how we might choose to enter this practice.

This yoga practice and the search for truth, mine and yours, is like a kid going out to play in a sandbox, searching for hidden treasure. It is fun and enticing, we have our play clothes on, our senses focused, but mind and imagination are open. We get in the sandbox and dig, we unearth many things, all with curiosity and great intrigue. Some things we find are wonderful, old toys we forgot were there, acorns and shiny pebbles. Other times we might hit rock, or a bug or spider might scramble out and fear becomes part of the experience. It is all part of the play, the grand adventure and search for the deeply buried treasure. If we stay the course, no matter from what angle or direction we have come, we will eventually get down to the center and there we will find the most amazing and brilliant jewel, priceless and indescribable in its beauty and splendor.

 Yoga is just like that. We all might have different methods and unique experiences, but eventually we will all arrive in the same place, the truth. The truth that we are shining jewels of love and light, that our deepest contentment and peace are within us and not outside of us. I am in this practice and continue my journey and adventure. I have moments in my digging where I glimpse and feel the purity of that jewel within me, and other moments it feels obscured. The journey is rich, it is fun and delightful, and yes, sometimes it is scary and difficult, but I can’t wait to see what I will find next.