Sweet Sixteen

 
 
  My son Mason was born sixteen years ago today.  I was born sixteen years ago today. Up until that day I was only a precursor of myself, a foundation.  I had lived a lot of experience, traveled a lot of distances, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had already been lost and found many times. Invented and reinvented. Looking back it was all in preparation for the journey that would begin that day, December 9th, 1998.
 
I was terrified to become a mother. When I took the pregnancy test I wanted to crawl out of my own flesh and bones and run far far away. Not because I doubted the beauty and wonder of motherhood, but because I doubted myself.  I wondered how a broken down shattered kind of girl like me could possibly do such a thing.  I thought I would take this small soft being and before I knew it I would crush it in the grip of my own emotional pitfalls. I wondered how I would become a selfless, loving nurturer in nine months time. How would I transform from girl into woman? My husband was my champion, reassuring me, telling me I would be great. He often knows me better than I know myself. I guess others can see us more clearly than we can see ourselves sometimes. 
 
My wise teacher speaks to me often about soul contracts. It sounds a bit out there I suppose, but I believe it. My experience leads me to this. The people I need show up for me. The ones who have loved me, the ones who have hurt me, the ones who came for awhile and then faded out of sight. All of them came with a gift. My children are my soul teachers, my healers. There has been no one more significant than them, nor could there ever be. I thought that as a mother I would be the teacher, the giver, the wise one. I have played that role for my children, but the truth is that they have done the same for me, even more so.
 
My children have taught me that letting go is much more powerful than holding on. They have been their own people from the very start, born with personalities, qualities, energies, unique to themselves. They are born with the seeds of who they are meant to be already taking root and growing in them. Those seeds of who they are meant to be have nothing to do with me. If I believed for a moment that my role as a mother was going to be about controlling, forging or molding these beings into what I wanted them to be, that was wholly unlearned by their teaching in the first few years. I could have insisted on going that route, dug my heels in around who they should be for me, but I realize that they are not here for me. I am here for them. I am here to hold safe space for them, to watch them, to guide them, hear them, protect them, but not keep them. I can not keep them! The most important part of this mothering is the letting go part. God it is so damn hard though. I often find myself wanting to control, to grip, to cling. I forget in my fearfulness to trust, to trust that my children know who they are, to trust that all is guided and intelligent. Don’t get me wrong, I have had, and continue to have a fierceness in my mothering when it is needed, after all, I am the mother, but I try my best to check my intentions, to see what is really needed, if it is rooted in love or fear, and I mess up. For the messing up, also letting go.  
 
My children have taught me about forgiveness. As I just said, I mess up. In my mothering I have learned something so huge, so powerful. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of love. We all mess up. In the family we are especially prone to error, wrong seeing, hurtful words and actions, impatience. I have often acted and later realized that I was misguided and unskillful, my fear blossoming into anger and inflicting hurt. I have hurt my children. My children have hurt me, especially my teenagers. No one lives in such close relationship with another being without hurt happening in some way, shape or form. Not all hurts are equal though, we can wound each other horribly, irreversibly.  As a mother I have become sensitive to owning my part in this co creation. When my kids were babies it was 100% me, my responsibility. That changes over time, slowly, incrementally. Part of this parenting is knowing when to move into more shared ownership of the relationship as the child becomes an adult. I think one of the most powerful things I have done for my children is to make mistakes, as we all do, and when I do, to acknowledge them, apologize and create a space for healing and forgiveness. This also works vice versa. I strive to create an environment for my kids where they are self aware, where they understand that their choices matter, and that mistakes or wrong doings will be addressed, but no mistake will take away the love I have for them. Forgiveness is the cornerstone of love, because we are all just human, imperfect and beautiful.
 
My kids have taught me about love. They have led me straight into my own heart and where there was once so much doubt and fear, where I once felt broken down and shattered, they have restored me, and filled me with hope, wonder, gratitude and joy. My love for them knows no bounds or limits. I love them in every breath, every heart beat, every moment. If I gave them life, they have certainly done the same for me.    
 
  

Pic and a Poem 33

 
 

i wish to live like a leaf
give myself to my nature
my individual beingness
the life sap that moves me
and also to know my place
my intimate connection
to all the others in my universe
feeding each other
sustaining each other
it is our nature
this giving and receiving

i wish to live like a leaf
open to the work of transformation
embracing all the seasons and cycles
with dignity and grace
allowing God to paint the colors
of a lifetime upon me
and seeing myself
a holy manifestation
a divine masterpiece
infinite and complete

i wish to live like a leaf
budding into my life
expanding in the time of expansion
soaking in the sun of my miraculous chance
to be exactly who i am needed to be
dancing with the winds and weather of change
and as winter approaches
arriving wise and fearless
well versed in the language of letting go

Out from Under the Thumb

“This is who I am.
  You can like it or not.
  You can love me or leave me,
  cause I’m never gonna stop.”
    ~ Madonna

“You do not have to be good.
  You do not have to walk on your knees
 for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
 You only have to let the soft animal of your body
  love what it loves.”
      ~ Mary Oliver

I am Facebook dependent. Some of that is due to my current living abroad situation. Facebook keeps me feeling connected to my friends and family, it is a lifeline to back home and allows me to feel like I still have one foot planted there, in safe and familiar territory. Facebook is my venue for sharing my ideas, my interests, feelings and also the writing and art I have been creating. For the most part I love Facebook and I am so grateful for having social media, without it I would be much more isolated and my creative endeavors would struggle to have momentum, because the truth is I crave your approval. I should not need it, actually I don’t need it, but I do wish to have it. Please don’t read this as fishing for compliments, because that is not why I am sharing this. I am sharing this because if it is relevant to me, it just might be relevant to you.

I started an experiment with this blog a number of weeks ago. I wanted to boost my creativity and return to some forms that I love, photography and poetry. I also wanted to mindfully explore my ability to share without attachment to an outcome, in this case the currency of approval, your likes and comments. I wanted to challenge myself to find confidence in my own regard for what I create.

I thought it would be easier than it has been. Actually it has been very hard, it has stirred up all kinds of old wounds, negative thought patterns, ingrained insecurities. This experiment has brought me face to face with a big chunk of shadow and what a treasure trove of potential healing and growth I have stepped into! I have noticed things about myself and also things about the environment I am participating in. I only have control over one of these things. Yep, that’s right, me. I only have control over myself . How I choose to act, present, hide, respond, react, process or deny, all of these things are my responsibility. How anyone else perceives me, likes or dislikes me, is their responsibility. I don’t own other people’s thoughts, actions or feelings. I can set down that heavy load, but even knowing that, I realize I keep picking it up, carrying it on my back.

I write my poems, take my photos, dig into deep parts of my heart and soul, unearth myself, and then I risk big time, I share them with you. My Facebook friends are in this space too, sharing pieces of themselves, their day to day, their families, events, opinions, inspirations. I wonder how much any of us really steps forward, what do we hold back for fear of what others think?  It takes immense courage, absolute bravery, to really do this vulnerability thing. I sometimes find myself hesitating fearfully as my finger poises to hit the share button. If I keep quiet, if I keep to myself, I won’t have to bear the potential disappointment of not getting your seal of approval, that thumbs up.  I have amazingly received a lot of support and encouragement from many friends, and I am exceedingly grateful for that, but in the spirit of honesty here, I have to say of that validation, it is just as I suspected, I always want more. That part of it is so important! That is my work, right there! The wounded ego is insatiable. Those holes in me will never be filled by other people or anything outside myself. I shouldn’t base my view of myself or what I offer on how many thumbs up I can collect. I am trying to land in a space of open and independent gratitude more and more, for all the gifts I have outside myself and more importantly what I have inside myself.. We all must own how we are showing up in this life, but I will say, it does help to have a village!

It helps to have a village, a tribe. Since starting my experiment I have found I am increasingly and intentionally trying to be a support for others, even if it is just hitting that like button. Knowing that this small gesture, this click, might make someone feel seen, validated, less lonely, is worth the moment it takes. Why wouldn’t I do it? When someone shares a heartfelt thought, a beautiful picture, a writing, especially when someone posts something that is personal and vulnerable, I try to remember to take that second of effort, to at least like what they have offered, and I do my best to comment if I have something relevant to say, or just a word of support. I don’t see all of my friends posts though, so I attend to what comes across my screen and trust that it is what needed my attention that day. I want to be more generous with my kindness. I don’t do it perfectly, but I am bringing intention and awareness to it. Let’s be generous with our kindness, you have no idea how the smallest acknowledgment might uplift someone, even through a screen.

But mostly I want to say to myself and to you, the most important thumbs up of them all is the one we give to ourselves. We all have value. We all deserve love. We have all made mistakes. We have all experienced pain. Whatever you bring to the table in this life, bring it fully. We are all here to grow, we are not here to stay small and fearful. Notice what lights you up, what makes you feel expressed and express it. Dare to expand your horizons, especially if you are afraid or uncomfortable, especially then.  You are better to follow your soul’s longing, even if it appears you must go it alone, out into the thick jungle of unknown possibility. If you don’t, you stay in the small safe cage of predictability. There is a quote by someone, “A comfort zone is a beautiful place but nothing ever grows there.” I am trying to create bravely, expand my vulnerability, go to new places, risk more of myself. I am getting out from under the thumb of fear slowly, step by step I go.  Now that I started, turning back is not an option. I won’t be pinned down. Love will set us free. Freedom is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves.  Let’s go out and get it!

Pic and a Poem #32

 
 
 
 
 
 
these words are not for you
i let you take a look
i wonder what you see
do you see me?
here looking out
from behind blue eyes
floating in these words
like secret codes
i am not sure i remember
how to crack myself
or if anyone speaks my language
my writing on the wall
perhaps like foreign characters
as i sometimes feel to be
even to myself
somewhere deeper though
back in fields of grass
are threads of sunlit memory
whispers beyond words
becoming who i am
intertwined with you
behind my blue eyes
beyond any color, shape or size
in the great inner beyond
the infinity of now
these words taking form
through lips i can not see
but brushing past my mind
the gentle kiss of miraculous thought
of a singular source
one word defining all others
love
that word is for you

Pic and a Poem #31

 
 

may we not leave each other to suffer alone
nor gather together in fear and hatred
we are lost right now
lost to each other
lost to ourselves
in the poverty of division
blind in the smoke of violent frustration
so thick we are consumed by it
forgetting where we come from
and where we belong
torn from our hearts
cast into separation
but that will never be our truth
it is not who we are

we need demonstrations
put on by the millions
beginning in each single one
who is waking up
coming together
with hands held in unity
instead of fists or guns

we need demonstrations
that we are committed to each other
as long it takes us
staying the course
not backing down
fiercely demanding
no less than our birthright
every being living in
equality and love

we need to demonstrate
for the children who depend on us
the innocents not yet wounded
that we are there for them
if we can see them
when we see them
meet them in each of us
we will rise above

Pic and a Poem #30

 

i am deeply thankful
for the hands i have held
those physical or spiritual
the presence that has guided me
in darkness and in light
i am thankful for those
who loved me
and those who broke my heart
for friendship and abandonment
every gain and loss
for imprisonments i went through
inside and out
that let me know freedom
how miracles are
doors that opened
and those slammed shut
every pain and pleasure
all my best
all my worst
my love and my rage
fear and courage both
bearing gifts and blessings
i never would give back
i am thankful for this day
the hands that i hold now
imperfectly loving
messy and true
falling apart
sometimes
coming back together
always
thankful

The kids in this picture are my son Mason and my daughter Harper. As I looked for a picture to write around this theme of gratitude, I wanted one with my whole family in it, but this one called to me. I love how I am a distance behind them and they are stepping forward toward this beautiful building, like a future, holding hands. The words of the poem started showing themselves almost immediately. I am grateful for everything I have been through in my life so far and I am most grateful for my husband and children who are on this crazy ride with me now. I know that no matter what comes, the good, the bad and the ugly, it is all a blessing. Everything is showing up to help me learn and grow.
Life is a magnificent mess!

Pic and a Poem #29

 
 
 
 
 
 be with yourself as a kind mother to a child
 touch your heart with tenderness,
 and what sorrows are stirred 
 open your arms to them,
 gather them close,
 welcome your heartache, your anger, your fear,
 witness their longing for this kind reception
 a devoted attention to all that you are,
 everything in you,
 just as everything outside of you
 lies in waiting,
 thirsting for love
 sit with your whole self
 pour from your deep heart
 your own sacred medicine
 until all mouths are quenched
 be healed and transformed
 
 
 
  

Pic and a Poem #28

 
 

i saw you there
at the foot of a marvel,
kneeling as if to pray
at this wonder of the world,
a monument of devotion
rising before us
white marble shining
as eternal as the heart
of undying love
lifted by human hands
reaching for God’s gaze

i saw it
and i was touched
by what man makes
in dedication to God
but i looked at you
and my heart split open
to behold
what God has sculpted
in flesh and bone
i wanted to kneel before you
fully meet your grace,
see myself
in your eyes
God seeing God
love knowing love
the true wonder of the world
is us

This photo was taken at the Taj Mahal in India. Everyone around was busy shooting pictures of this incredible monument to love, but I was most taken by the people. People from all over the globe were there to see this wonder of the world, and it is breathtaking, but I was almost more taken by seeing how the people were delighted and touched. This woman in particular who was kneeling down to take a photo struck me as so beautiful that I quickly dropped to kneel myself to capture her. When we use our senses intentionally to seek beauty, we find it everywhere and in each other. Everything becomes an expression of divine intelligence. God’s creation embodied in every being.

Pic and a Poem #27

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 form gives way to form
 symbols and woven pattern
 empty spaces a remembrance
 and a foretelling
 what came before
 and what lies beyond
 the blessing of space
 into which beauty is born
 without emptiness
 there can be no fullness
 consciousness holds thought
 clouds moving through the sky
 fingers chisel shapes that speak
 a primal language
 as a body waits patiently
 to be moved
 and not only moved, danced 
 all things moving toward expression
 turning back toward origin
 thoughts and clouds dissolve
 a dance returns to stillness
 carved stone tapestries
 one day return to earth
 the time is now
 seek out your spaces
 fill them with
 your signature
 to honor the emptiness
 that holds all things

I was looking at this image and appreciating the symmetry and how each shape relied upon the other for its very existence. Then I noticed the empty spaces. What was carved away allows one to see what lies behind, or what lies ahead depending on perspective. I started to write about that and it flowed into this poem about the coming and going of all things. I come back time and time again to this urgency, that the time to live is now, look for the spaces longing to be filled with your unique expression and fill them! What could be more imperative in life than giving your brilliance to the world? Life is so short, it can not wait. Honor the emptiness by decorating it with what you love.  

 
  
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 

Pic and a Poem #26

let’s go to the river
we can sing on the way
i have found singing is
the best way to pray
we can get in the water
it will join in our song
dance a watery chorus 
as we float along
feel your hair spread
like seaweed
tangled and free
just like we are mermaids
queens of the sea
look up to the blue sky
the heavens above
put your hand out to find mine
linked fingers of love
we can stay all day long here
there is no place to go
let’s be one with this river
its ebb and its flow
 
 
I sat down to write today feeling quite empty and unsure of what would show up.
As I let words bubble to the surface I found my inner little girl stepping forward,
and so I just made space for her. I have felt quite drawn to watery images lately,
the beauty and power of water to soothe and transform. My nine year old daughter Harper drew a picture of a mermaid just a few days ago, and I was not thinking of that when I wrote this, but perhaps subconsciously my little girl made a connection there. I imagined two young girls going to swim in this gentle river, singing, splashing and floating along without a care in the world.
 
 
I feel it is healing to give the inner child a voice, to keep a connection with that part of who we are. Great shift and transformation can come from listening to and feeling the little one within.