I do not have a word for where I am internally.
I am grateful. I have so much. I am lucky and blessed beyond measure.
I try to be the best person I can be.
I do this in opposition to parts of me that are not “good”.
There is an emptiness. There is deep sadness. There is rage.
If I am aiming for truth here, it is true that it takes a great amount of will and strength for me to stay upstanding.
To remain upright.
That empty has gravity. It has force.
If a galaxy lives in me, it is my black hole.
My kids do not know the depth of that hole. They have glimpsed it in moments of utter fatigue from keeping it closed.
That is my one great success.
The way I have stood between my empty and them.